FORUM / BULLETIN BOARD / COMMUNITY SPACE
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment  
SilverGirl

Forum User
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #1 
(Some thoughts that came to mind during/after the Challenging Thoughts breakfast on May 9th).

I was recently invited for coffee by someone who finds me inspiring. And I must say, the invitation itself was a shock. I fumbled around with an answer, and have yet to see this person again. But what came up for me after the flattering, awesome sensation, was the critical, "Oh dear, how can I measure up" thoughts. Me, a muse??? This man has written two novels, well-written, and me- with my fingers all thumbs- haven't written a decent piece of fiction since high school! "Not the point," some people might laugh, but the fear that came up for me blindsided me. How can I be worthy of this admiration? How can I inspire a character when I have accomplished so little? I hate hearing this opinion from others, but what smacked me across the face was not others' expectations of me, but my own. Yes, my creativity has taken on different expressions over the years, but I can't write because I can't get my inner critic to shut up. So I have difficulty owning the beauty someone else might see in me because I have my own insecurities. It hasn't been earned, I think. I don't deserve it. So much for just being, I am insisting of myself that I do!

Yet when I was a child I wanted to drive an ice cream truck. Real glamorous career, right? Lots of money, success and status to be had- Not! But I look at that, and beyond the obvious longing to eat ice cream whenever I want, I see abundance. And service to others, and working outdoors, traveling. There's not much profit in a business when you are busy eating your product, but what about offering the 'sweetness of life' to others? This career objective was my first, before teacher, writer or counsellor. And it came from a very childlike place- wanting to fling myself into life with my offerings for others. As Robert Fulghum says, what child thinks they can't sing, or dance, or paint? These creative expressions pour forth from us as naturally as our joy, spontaneity, love (and yes, the more 'negative' emotions, too). All the inhibition and fear we feel comes later. (Not referring to childlike timidity here). We internalize all kinds of reasons why we shouldn't be our most authentic selves. We fear being too much, or not enough. And our 'childish' goals become more practical, appropriate 'adult' goals (not always bad, but possibly limiting). So what if part of what we have to unearth from our Shadow is the gold, as well as the muck, the monsters? What if we are in fact carrying shame about some of the most beautiful parts of us? What if we were to let this part of ourself out to play, to cannonball off the end of the dock or into the pool without a care in the world? To offer up popsicle halves to others without fear of rejection? Can we stop underachieving so that we don't disappoint ourselves or others and risk a little more? Can we accept compliments without analyzing our worth? (I'll let you know) [smile]

__________________
"See how they shine..."
cswforum

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 176
Reply with quote  #2 
SilverGirl...

Beautiful new thread!
THANK YOU.

Two thoughts/questions come to mind:

1) You call yourself "silvergirl". Tell me about that... and what you see in yourself (if you're willing [smile] [wink]

2) How does it feel inside to be called "inspiring"?

I'd love to hear more................

Eric
(aka cswforum)
SilverGirl

Forum User
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #3 
1) Well, it seems like the sea is speaking to me, because I have recently chosen two references to ships and water- DiamondWaves7 (a new e-mail address with reference to 'Dreamboat Annie' by Heart) and SilverGirl (my name on here which is drawn from Simon & Garfunkel's 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'). I have always loved the effect of sunlight on the water, and have been encountering many synchronicities around it (especially in regard to my connections with others) [smile] It seems like no mistake to me that some of the meaningful songs I've borrowed from have to do with kind souls as my recent art and writing have been inspired by thoughtful gestures, as well as themes and images that have arisen during meditation.

"Heading out this morning into the sun
Riding on the diamond waves, little darlin' one..."
- Dreamboat Annie, Heart

"Sail on silvergirl, Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine..."
-Bridge Over Troubled Water, Simon & Garfunkel

Of course, if you look online you will find mention of silvergirl as a reference to drugs, or to Paul Simon's former wife who found grey hairs. But I am not reading too much into the name with my use of it, other than as a tribute to the song. I do like that Paul added a humorous personal touch to it, though.


Eric, I'm not sure what you're asking with the second part of your question. Are you asking how it pertains to me, not just what the reference is?

__________________
"See how they shine..."
cswforum

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 176
Reply with quote  #4 
My other question was: 
How do you feel inside when someone calls you "inspiring"?

In other words, what are the thoughts/feelings that come up inside when someone says that to you... or when you think about it now? (e.g. positive, negative, up, down, rich/filled, sheepish/afraid... whatever [smile]

Looking forward to your thoughts!
Eric



SilverGirl

Forum User
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #5 
This afternoon I am contemplating the life of someone who was an inspiration in his own right. Mr.B attended ACA for years, and was instrumental in running step studies, and encouraging others to continue their healing process. In about an hour, I will be attending his funeral service along with many others whose life he touched. And as I think about this kind and thoughtful man, I think also about legacy and how I can help others. I know that he wouldn't want me to feel ashamed at getting stuck. But the critical inner voice that scolds us about failure is a difficult one to hear.

My next step, if I am to move forward, is to not just acknowledge my positive qualities, but to forgive myself for my failure to help someone that really needed it. Intentions and effort sometimes just aren't good enough. So as I grieve Mr.B today, I also grieve another man I was close to, and his niece. If I am to help others, to pick myself up and move forward, I have to allow for gentle inner voices to emerge. To allow kind others to be there for me to help me heal. The first step is admitting a problem, and as I enter the church and look around, I am sure that Mr.B would want me to know that I'm not alone.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity to speak. I will continue responding to my earlier post in a little while.

__________________
"See how they shine..."
SilverGirl

Forum User
Registered:
Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #6 
It's Cool, I Admit It. But...

I think one of the greatest gifts you can give someone is your time. By making someone a priority, and allowing them to feel seen and heard in your presence, you are offering them an experience that is growing rare in our very busy world. These days you can call customer service lines 24/7, but crisis helplines have to call you back. Being able to put down whatever you are doing, and really focus on someone (whether they are a friend, family, or stranger in need), that's very precious. That act is telling someone that THEY are PRECIOUS, that they have meaning and worth. This is something that Mr.B did extremely well. Making space in your heart for someone else is something they will remember, and that was part of Mr.B's legacy.

Of course, I am straight up Quality Time in the 5 Love Languages! But in answering about being an inspiration in my particular situation (being asked for coffee by a novelist- let's call him Seth) I take this experience with a grain of salt. I hope that salt isn't cynicism, but I realize that he and I don't actually know each other. So there is a real difference between inspiring (or being inspired) by a stranger or by someone you know well.

Being called inspiring (or having it implied) is an awesome feeling. It's pretty cool. It makes you smile, and feel expansive. Anything is possible. It's kind of like the magic of falling in love. [But, love at first sight (to the romantic), or infatuation (to the cynic)]. It's flattering; but like ephemera- short-lived.

To be made substantial, such a connection needs time and depth. Digging past first impressions for glimpses of the soul beneath. Otherwise what you have is just a compliment from a stranger. A euphoric start perhaps, but initial connections between people are ripe for projections. If I want real advice regarding my own writing, then I might want to network and form a genuine connection. If he still finds me inspiring after getting to know me- Cool!!! That's even more awesome.

I really think that part of the allure of the muse is mystery. It's that enigmatic aura that leaves most questions unanswered. The quickening of the pulse, the flow of life energy- creating is passionate. There is curiosity and wonder, there is newness, there is vitality. This potential and possibility gets passed around at first meetings, and it gets uncorked when our creativity is flowing. But I think it is difficult for humans to maintain. Inevitably we loosen our collar, we relax our gut, we leave a gob of toothpaste in the sink, and you just gotta hope that whoever it is that is loving you- or being inspired by you- loves you just the same (or even more!) for just being you. No mystical beings (unfortunately). Just muggles.

__________________
"See how they shine..."
cswforum

Moderator
Registered:
Posts: 176
Reply with quote  #7 
Hi SilverGirl,

Sorry... I haven't been receiving notices of your posts, or would have responded sooner.
So glad I saw them again today, however!

First, your writing is quite beautiful. Lyrical, thoughtful, feeling-ful too... [wink]
I love the way you express yourself.

Thanks for continuing your reflections. I appreciated hearing about your 'critical voice', the need to forgive yourself, and the importance of love/acceptance when we're not our 'amazing' selves. (I find that a hard one too, as I often judge myself when I'm not.)

Perhaps we are both 'mystical beings' and 'muggles' in this human incarnation......

Eric


Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.